Argh, the overwhelm!

This year has gone by in a bit of a flash for me. When I started my MA, my intention was to post my work regularly, write a regular blog and promote them on Instagram. The first year was a bit more successful than this one; the workload wasn’t as intense, and the writing material more varied. This year has been something between part-time and full-time. Many more optional writing activities adding to the pile of study guilt already festering from last year.

I realised that I haven’t written a blog in what seems like forever, and I feel the need to write something which isn’t my dissertation. Much like writing my Morning Pages (the Artist’s Way), this helps me dump my thoughts down on paper giving me a sense of relief.

 

Some of you might already know but last year I was diagnosed with ADHD. I have both the inattentive and hyperactive kind. I’m expecting some eye rolls here or people who think that I’ve joined some sort of a trend, but the reality is that this is something which had affected me my entire life.

 

While I might not look like I’m bouncing off the walls all of the time, my brain is firing on all cylinders constantly, and you know what? It’s fucking exhausting. I thought that everyone has constant thoughts about everything whirling around their heads, but apparently this is not a thing (so my neurotypical friends tell me!) My GP also said that it might explain my insomnia.

 

Just for a bit of education, ADHD hasn’t been as well studied in women and girls as it has for men and boys, plus it can and does present differently in us. I also think that as women we are conditioned to be good little girls, to not complain, and to not cause a scene, so we have become experts in masking heavily to fit in. This explains me being such a people pleaser, something which I have been working on not being for the past year.

 

Traits presenting differently in girls and boys is the same with Autism. This is something I’ve also been referred for an assessment as these conditions can often go hand in hand, but I plan on cancelling this due to no benefit for me if I was diagnosed.

 

My ADHD diagnosis was almost a year ago, so I’ve had a while to mull it over. For me it was a relief as it helps me make sense of who I am as a person, and hopefully I can find a better way of dealing with things in life. I’m currently waiting to see if I can start medication for it, which I have mixed feelings about due experiences of people close to me. My PoTS medication might get in the way of this yet, so we’ll see.

 

Despite the relief, I have felt some sadness knowing that things I have struggled with have taken me to nearly forty years old to receive help.

 

I procrastinate so much that I freeze, unable to complete a task until the pressure is so great that I have to complete it (like with my studies). I’ve sometimes done very well with writing an important essay in four hours, and receiving nearly eighty percent  in marks. However, the anxiety and anguish isn’t the best. I had this during my exams for high school. I did very well in my mocks and not as well in the finals. This is executive dysfunction.

 

Managing my emotions growing up was a struggle, I was told that I’m too sensitive or too much, or that I talk too much (or sometimes not enough). When really overwhelm probably had a lot to do with this.

 

Lately, I’ve been writing my dissertation for my MA, although it’s great to be on the home stretch, I’ve made it harder for myself giving myself one less month to complete it… This is because I might be starting a PGCE in teaching next month, and there is an overlap on both. The PGCE will hopefully help me teach or tutor for a living, so I know that the stress should hopefully be worth it (pending my occupational health appointment). I will have a lot of help and support with this, including a reduced timetable, otherwise it wouldn’t be a possibility for me.

 

As my dissertation is my memoir, it’s dredging up some painful memories, so it’s taking me a bit longer than I’d like to write it. This all feeds into current health woes which I’m hoping will go away soon. I finally have an appointment regarding a tumour on my kidney at the end of the month, my GP said it doesn’t look cancerous, but it’s still a worry regardless (it will have been over a year for this urgent referral too, then I need to wait for a scan). My thyroid is also playing up again and is very underactive, it took my doctor’s surgery several months to realise that I needed more medication (yay). The lack of the right thyroid hormones can also cause insomnia and anxiety – the latter is probably showing in this writing!

 

On the plus side, my MS seems to be behaving itself (touch wood), and no more weird Lupus like symptoms for a long time too. I’m hoping that by October things will have settled down a bit, and I can attempt to relax a bit!

 

Despite any current stress, I can look back on the year so far as a positive one, and I’m hoping that things are changing for the better. I’ve had fun with old friends and new, including trips to France and Australia which wouldn’t have been possible a year ago.

 

As always, despite my struggles I’m always thankful for what I have. I know that I’m lucky to have supportive friends and family, as well as not living in a warzone.

 

I hope that you’re all doing as well as you can be in this scary and wild world.

 

Until next time,

Jo xx